Looking looking back to walk forward

My little blog has received a little attention recently firstly following some promotion by BBC Radio 1Xtra's wonderful Adele Roberts as part of 1Xtra stories "Coming Out" which gave me a bit of confidence that what I had written wasn't utter trash and prompted me to submit my blog to rucomingout.com where it has since featured on the May 2013 page of stories. I just hope it can be of use to others in similar situations.

As I said in my very first post, I wrote this blog for my own sanity and to put down in black an white what happened and how my relationship with my family was turned upside-down. I wanted to use the blog as a sounding board for my own thoughts and a way of reasoning my feelings about the whole situation. I don't regret for one moment having come out to my family even though at times I feel so alone and unsupported in the world (usually after an argument with my wonderful wife) because I no longer feel my family would support me "no matter what" the way I once took for granted. That having been said I know I have my partners family, my friends and extended family who don't take my parents view and don't think my being gay makes me bad or unlovable or that I have done it (be gay) on purpose as punishment to them. It has taken me a very long time to come to terms with my family's reaction and to a certain degree I don't think I will ever understand it. There were a few key moments that made me stop and think and revise my position a little along the way so I thought I'd share some of them.

The first was in the wake of my initial coming out saga, during my sofa surfing days; I remember snarling about my family's reaction at work one day when things were still really bad and being shocked when the finance lady turned to me and said something along the lines of "well your parents are entitled to their opinion, they don't have to like or agree with you being gay, its their right to disapprove, you have to give them time to come to terms with it, it might not be a quick process and you should be prepared for whatever their decision is". I was used to people telling me how awful my parent's reaction was and how I should give it time and they would come round. To say this statement pulled me up short was an understatement. This lady's daughter was a lesbian and she had talked of how she fully supported her and loved her to bits. I remember her words confusing me and thinking about them a lot and trying to work out what she meant by it. I started off by thinking maybe she hadn't been ok with her daughter coming out to start with and thinking that she might be suggesting there may be hope my parent's would change their view too. Over time though, I think I have a better understanding of what she may have meant and if I'm right then I'm incredibly grateful she said it, I think this was her way of preparing me for never getting the acceptance I desperately wanted but giving me something to blame the lack of acceptance on that wasn't me. Her statement prompted me to open up the possibility in my head that their reaction wasn't my fault; that I could blame their reaction on their own beliefs and values and that my being gay just didn't fit with that. I think her words planted a seed that took years to grow but with the sometimes rather direct insight of my beautiful wife has helped me shift the blame I'd held on to.

The next came in the early days of my relationship with my wife. I think I was still lying about my whereabouts to my parents and claiming to be out with "friends" rather than my new girlfriend. I had, to a certain degree, re-closeted myself for an easier life, I wasn't strong enough to "do battle" on my whereabouts or the company I was keeping. For as long as I can remember I was expected to do what was expected of me without question, to ensure that my mother was not upset or hurt by my actions and I had learned to manage my own problems because sharing was rarely caring. I should probably explain the last one a little more. I remember being little probably 7 or 8 and telling my mum I was being picked on in school, her reaction was not to offer comfort and strategy but to cry with me about how awful it was that her child was being bullied. Here starteth the lesson that in my house at least, a problem shared was usually a problem doubled. I guess this might explain why I find it hard not to blame myself for the hurt of others. I was having one of my regular, "my dad has text me saying my mum is upset/worried and I should go" moments when my wife (then new girlfriend) asked why that meant I had to go home. Why was it my problem that my mum missed me or was sad or upset? I don't think I could answer, I think I probably mumbled something like "it just does" before hightailing it home for the latest round of interrogation about my whereabouts. I remember thinking all the way home about the questions, I didn't know why its was up to me, it had just always been that way, is difficult for me and it is something that I think my wife finds incredibly frustrating when even now, I feel guilty when my mum is upset even though I know its not my fault. My wife helped me begin to ask questions, helped me feel angry and not be guilty about it and more than that helped me stop and take time to find who I was without all the duty and expectation and guilt.