and then there was a wedding

So over the past 7 years my partner and I have had our ups and downs and my/our relationship with my family has marginally improved from the early days but is still very strained. On the positive side, my partner is now allowed in to my parents house and they will have conversations with her that are civil, they occasionally visit our home, normally under the condition they help out in the garden and we go out with them and my grandparents regularly for family meals, although these must be in areas where they aren't well known. But there are still many down sides, they still don't accept or acknowledge our relationship nor do they make any attempt to, I am frowned upon for being seen in the "village" I grew up in for fear (my parents fear) that people may guess what I am and bring further shame on the family, oh and the small matter of our recent marriage that my parents are somewhat unaware of.

I say somewhat because I did actually tell them I was going to be getting married; a couple of months before we booked the venue I emailed my parents to let them know of our upcoming civil partnership and asking if they felt that they and/or my grandparents would be interested in attending. I know it sounds strange to say I emailed about something so important but experience has taught me that many things I say get lost in translation by my parents so it is always better to put things in writing to avoid confusion. Take the story of my coming out... my parents believe it was only me doing any shouting and screaming, none ever laid a hand on me and that they were supportive in trying to help me find help to work through my "issues" (in the form of attempting to force me to seek psychiatric help to "fix" me). So I have learnt from previous attempts at communication that black and white is always better. It took 6 weeks of me ignoring text messages from my family (in an attempt at forcing a response) before my dad finally called to say how much my lack of contact was affecting my mother, to which my response included a comment about waiting for a reply to my email. My dad's reply... "well you know I don't answer things like that, that's what conversations are for". So after some discussion and tongue biting on my part I agreed to meet him at a service station on both our routes home from work. Having asked that my partner be there I was met with, "no I just want to talk to you".

Slightly suspicious and feeling incredible nervous and sick, I met my dad in a well know coffee chain and explained the proposed date of the wedding, the venue and my desire to have my family attend. The response I received was sadly another rejection to add to the pile. My dad's first response was that he was unable to give me any money towards a wedding, something I had never even mentioned and would've never expected. I explained that the money for the wedding had already been sorted and that I was only asking that he and my family may like to attend. What followed next included remarks about my partner being controlling, me needing to ask permission to do anything from her first, how getting married should not be a priority for me right now because I had other things to think about and how my family were deeply religious people and I was putting them in a very difficult position. I explained my stance on our marriage, defended my partner's honor in relation to not being controlling and the asking for permission (in the form of "are we doing anything on... mum and dad have asked if we'd like to go to....") was actually diary checking. I was then informed that he and my mum had spoken to my grandparents and neither sets of them could "see the point" in my getting married and apparently felt it was not an important event. By this point I was finding it more difficult to manage my temper and proposed that my parents think further if they wanted to attend and let me know. I would  not put pressure on them as I understood this was difficult for them and so would wait for a response from them.

I'm still waiting.

I made the decision not to offer a formal wedding invitation to my parents as by that point and having had no further discussion about the wedding I had come to the difficult conclusion that having them there out of duty (which is what I felt their attendance would be if they were to come) would just cause me further stress and pain and I wanted our special day to be about us and celebrating our relationship with the people who supported and cared for us.  The lead up to the wedding was also strange as the many things I had imagined about getting married were different, no mum to come to my fittings with the dressmaker, no dad to give me away, no anticipation for the father of the bride's speech or introductions to the in-laws. My partner was amazing, giving me time to just have my moments and filling the rest with excitement, friends and my in-laws who gave hugs and knowing looks, just when they were needed most.

The wedding went ahead as planned on the date discussed with my dad and was the most wonderful day of my life. We were surrounded by people who cared and supported us and our relationship and who were able to celebrate with us the commitment we were making to each other. My partner's whole family including her nan (who's in her 80's) attended and my friends became my family yet again, the aforementioned best friend giving me away and my overseas cousins showing their support to me by flying in for our special day, a gesture so significant I wont ever be able to explain or repay it. It was amazing and I loved every second of it, and stand by the decisions I made about my parents attendance. Beyond the celebration of love and commitment to each other our wedding day also represented a peace of mind that were anything to happen to me, my partner would be the one making the decisions about my care, my death and my funeral. One of the biggest fears I had held until then was that if anything had happened to me, my parents would likely deny my partner any involvement and even refuse her entry to my funeral, our civil partnership makes her my next of kin and makes the decisions legally hers.

The beginning of happier times

The girl I met online 3 days before my 23rd birthday turned out to be the love of my life. She had a totally different perspective on life and with the help of a little of her tough love, a lot of laughs and knowing she was behind me every step of the way. I learned to like myself a little more and began to realise that not everything that had happened was my fault.

After what happened the last time I told my family I was dating it took me 9 months to tell them about my new relationship. I said nothing about my "gay" life, I continued to hide who I was while in the presence of my family or people my family may know. I stayed out more and more and eventually only went "home" for a couple of nights once every few weeks after multiple "can't you see how you are hurting your mother" calls from my dad. I used the excuse of staying with friends or going to parties or working away until one weekend while staying over with my girlfriend at the rented house we shared, I got a text from my parents asking why my car (with its distinctive personal registration plate) was parked outside a row of terraced houses in a nearby town. I panicked my heart began to race and I felt like I was going to pass out. I went "home" to face the music and was accused of using my friends to lie for me and that my "lifestyle choices" having made me a liar and dishonest. Even at this point I couldn't bring myself to challenge these views and assumptions. They asked why I was there and I explained that I had been dating for 9 months and that was the house my girlfriend lived in. I packed a few more things and before the "conversation" could decend into comments about my "gay uniform", "cocky attitude", "lack of attention to my appearance" (which was short for no longer wearing makeup), "the paedophillic tenancies of people of "that" lifestyle" (apparently if you fall in love with someone of the same sex this also means you have a desire for children of this gender too, according to my mother) and "dangerous lifestyle choice".

After 18months together, buying our first home and getting our first dog, (all things my family missed), my parents finally agreed to meet my partner. We went for a walk in a local park with our new puppy and their dog. They said barely 2 words to my partner and could hardly look at me but as far as I was concerned it was progress. Little did I know after 7 years things would be not all that much further on.