Well I woke up on the sofa in my best mate's student house after crying myself to sleep and replaying the previous night over and over in my head trying to work out what I did wrong and how I could have misjudged the situation so badly. I started thinking about the expectations my family had had for me and how disappointed they must be that I had shattered their dreams of what I would be. After hanging out with my best mate while he tried to make me feel better and see I wasn't the one at fault I drove on down to see my then girlfriend who from what I remember, was working till late. I arrived at her house where her landladies answered the door and could clearly see I was in a state. I spent the next couple of hours receiving hugs and talking through the events of the previous night and after enraging "Emily" to the point she wanted to go and treat my family as they had treated me we discussed the possibility that my family would calm down and begin to understand.
I don't remember much of the next few days other than it involved me crying a lot and stressing about my masters coursework. I do however, remember going back to my parents house after being away and having no contact for almost a week. I was running out of clean clothes and needed my uni books so I text my mum to ask permission (yes I felt I needed to ask permission to go home) to collect some stuff and potentially stay for a while to talk stuff over. My mum agreed and I drove the 90mins home to find my dad in the kitchen but no sign of my mum. When I asked where she was he said "on her way back" he was superficially nice and pleaded that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I defaulted to my teenage response to family arguments and said nothing.
Mum arrived back around this time and I suddenly understood why my dad had been shifty with me. My mum walked into the kitchen telling me how I had shattered her world and how she would not do that to my grandparents. She promptly ushered my grandparents, (both in their 70s) into the kitchen and stood with her hands on her hips shouting at me to tell them my news. Fighting back tears I told my grandparents that I was in a relationship with a woman and watched as my grandma looked at me with disappointment and my grandad turned away. After watching me sqirm my mum took my grandparents home with the parting shot of, wait their we have things to talk about.
She returned 10mins later and threw herself into a rant about how having relationships with women meant that I would never work with children (a life long ambition of mine), how I would be constantly persicuted, never have children and that this was the worst "choice of lifestyle" I could have made. My dad went on to explain that in his 30 years in business he had never once met a gay person. (hmmmm) He also went on to explain how most people tollerate gays but started quoting "NIMBY"... yeah it was new to me too... Not In My Back Yard. Apparently gays are ok at a distance but not if they live next door or are part of your family. I was determined not to show how much I hurt or to cry and from what I remember I stayed strong and never shed one tear. My mum then went on to tell me the intricate details of her depression and the desperate situation she had found herself in when her and my dad were going though a rough patch and pleaded with me that this was the worst thing I could have done. "Was worse than telling her that I was pregnant", I refused to break down and the "discussion" ended with me being pinned to a wall by my jumper by my dad and being told how much what I was doing was hurting and killing my mum.
I quickly packed my bags once again, grabbed a sleeping bag and my uni books and headed back to my best mates sofa for another restless night of replaying things over in my head.
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